This is an incredible post. I feel like every millennial parent needs to have someone constantly yelling this line at them: "But, I am suggesting that since we have no idea what we want, but we also want a village, that we chill the hell out."
Thank you! Yes, I firmly believe that chilling out would solve most of our problems. I see so much chaos online and in-person surrounding parenthood. Like, take a breath y’all.
Something that irks me in the talk about how we don’t have « village » is that we only seem to be referring to the things we would gain from a « village » and we never address what we would have to sacrifice. Are we actually capable of surrendering total control over our children which is what would be required if we raised our kids in multigenerational configurations? Aka could you handle your mom deciding where your kid goes to school?
Louise Perry points out for all the complaining about how we lack a « village » it seems that once we have the financial means to do so, we leave our villages.
We absolutely could not handle international living, at least here in the West. We only want the benefits, but not the sacrifice. Once we can afford other childcare, for example, that requires nothing from us, many opt out of what they’re looking for in the first place.
"Chill the hell out" definitely falls under Unoriginal Thoughts, but I feel like it's so rarely said anymore that you could almost pass it off as original by now. It's quite the quandary we've put ourselves into, trying to have a "village" that looks like a curated IG feed based on our interests and preferences as consumers. Which raises the question, is there REALLY no village, or have we just curated the village out of existence?
Over the years a large number of the people who have cradled our family in difficult seasons have been the people who would technically be the least aligned with some of our lifestyle. Love what you say about that beautiful interplay of annoying and ride-or-die within the close-knit family of your husband's heritage. We also have some of that with our extended family (though not locally), and I have been guilty of not always appreciating the deep worth in that.
I love how you said we “curated out” our village. The village exists, but so many of us just want the good parts (praise, affirmation, 100% compliance) and no annoying questions from Aunt Fatima and Uncle Hamid. They don’t vibe well with our perceived aesthetic, so we write them off as toxic, nosy, or even uninvolved (but how can they be involved if you’ve already determined that they’re bad?).
I, too, have also found myself annoyed with family but then realized I’m probably the problem and they’re doing the best they can. This helps me chill the hell out and embrace the village as it is. I’m sure if the tables were turned, people would have plenty of grievances with me!
So much of our modern lives are made up of incompatibilities *exactly* like this one. We want it all, despite the facts--nay, the reality--that it. isn't. possible. You want a village? Then, yeah, you're going to have to give up some of your privacy. I was so blessed to have a church village of friends that brought meals and came to see my new babies, but when my sixth was born in November of 2020, even those ladies didn't show up. I definitely cried about it. I can only imagine how difficult things would have felt if no one came to visit me after all my other babies! Tragic. It seems to me like we (generally speaking) want all the benefits of a village but none of the inconveniences/difficulties.
Thank you for sharing! I also grew up in a tight-knit church community and people were just *there* for each other. Currently, we are not plugged into any faith community and it the gap is real. Thankfully, we have friends from my husband's home country that have stepped in and up in some capacity. I also posit that COVID did a number on many of these villages, with many people even sacred to leave their homes, even after restrictions were lifted and vaccines were available.
The day my mom died, my dad and I came home from hospice to be greeted with 2 meatloafs and 2 pies from the nicest lady at church. Although 30yo, I received the dad look cuz i hate meatloaf and detest pie. But I loved Mrs. Hanna and she loved us and I remember the love to this day.
This is an incredible post. I feel like every millennial parent needs to have someone constantly yelling this line at them: "But, I am suggesting that since we have no idea what we want, but we also want a village, that we chill the hell out."
Thank you! Yes, I firmly believe that chilling out would solve most of our problems. I see so much chaos online and in-person surrounding parenthood. Like, take a breath y’all.
Something that irks me in the talk about how we don’t have « village » is that we only seem to be referring to the things we would gain from a « village » and we never address what we would have to sacrifice. Are we actually capable of surrendering total control over our children which is what would be required if we raised our kids in multigenerational configurations? Aka could you handle your mom deciding where your kid goes to school?
Louise Perry points out for all the complaining about how we lack a « village » it seems that once we have the financial means to do so, we leave our villages.
We absolutely could not handle international living, at least here in the West. We only want the benefits, but not the sacrifice. Once we can afford other childcare, for example, that requires nothing from us, many opt out of what they’re looking for in the first place.
So true… « childcare that requires nothing from us » even rings like an oxymoron.
"Chill the hell out" definitely falls under Unoriginal Thoughts, but I feel like it's so rarely said anymore that you could almost pass it off as original by now. It's quite the quandary we've put ourselves into, trying to have a "village" that looks like a curated IG feed based on our interests and preferences as consumers. Which raises the question, is there REALLY no village, or have we just curated the village out of existence?
Over the years a large number of the people who have cradled our family in difficult seasons have been the people who would technically be the least aligned with some of our lifestyle. Love what you say about that beautiful interplay of annoying and ride-or-die within the close-knit family of your husband's heritage. We also have some of that with our extended family (though not locally), and I have been guilty of not always appreciating the deep worth in that.
I love how you said we “curated out” our village. The village exists, but so many of us just want the good parts (praise, affirmation, 100% compliance) and no annoying questions from Aunt Fatima and Uncle Hamid. They don’t vibe well with our perceived aesthetic, so we write them off as toxic, nosy, or even uninvolved (but how can they be involved if you’ve already determined that they’re bad?).
I, too, have also found myself annoyed with family but then realized I’m probably the problem and they’re doing the best they can. This helps me chill the hell out and embrace the village as it is. I’m sure if the tables were turned, people would have plenty of grievances with me!
So much of our modern lives are made up of incompatibilities *exactly* like this one. We want it all, despite the facts--nay, the reality--that it. isn't. possible. You want a village? Then, yeah, you're going to have to give up some of your privacy. I was so blessed to have a church village of friends that brought meals and came to see my new babies, but when my sixth was born in November of 2020, even those ladies didn't show up. I definitely cried about it. I can only imagine how difficult things would have felt if no one came to visit me after all my other babies! Tragic. It seems to me like we (generally speaking) want all the benefits of a village but none of the inconveniences/difficulties.
Thank you for sharing! I also grew up in a tight-knit church community and people were just *there* for each other. Currently, we are not plugged into any faith community and it the gap is real. Thankfully, we have friends from my husband's home country that have stepped in and up in some capacity. I also posit that COVID did a number on many of these villages, with many people even sacred to leave their homes, even after restrictions were lifted and vaccines were available.
I laughed and laughed some more!!!!
The day my mom died, my dad and I came home from hospice to be greeted with 2 meatloafs and 2 pies from the nicest lady at church. Although 30yo, I received the dad look cuz i hate meatloaf and detest pie. But I loved Mrs. Hanna and she loved us and I remember the love to this day.
The Mrs. Hannas are the ones who keep the world moving, even if we don’t like meatloaf!
So spot on. Also are you making “Map Dot” up? That can’t possibly be the name of a town
It’s totally made up, it would be even cooler if it wasn’t!